Emetophobia: The Begining

Before I begin anything else, I want to share how this all started. If you had asked me a couple years ago if I thought I would ever be telling strangers online what I consider to be my closest guarded secret, I would have laughed but here I am...

Anyway I can remember it perfectly. It was Christmas Eve of 2005 (we emets associate dates a lot) but I was having a great day, all ready for Christmas, then disaster struck. I didn't feel well (still not sure if I ever had a stomach bug that day) but you know what you do when you usually feel sick, you lay down and try to go to sleep. This time was different though...as I lay in bed, I was having a panic attack. In my mind I kept repeating "I don't want to throw up, I don't want to throw up..." Like I said before nobody likes to get sick, but I was petrified. When my mom came to check on me, I told her what I was thinking and she looked at me funny but sat with me for a long time as I cried.

The next few months were a downward spiral. I was pained with stomach aches constantly. I could not sleep, eat, and had a complete apathy towards most things I used to like doing. Obviously my family noticed that I wasn't myself and my mom tried to help me. I told her that my stomach constantly hurt and I was afraid if I ate that I would throw up. I can't blame her for not understanding and not knowing what to do. She brushed it aside, but I continued to decline. I would have panic attacks every night, which in turn would make my stomach hurt more. I would get into these ritualistic habits like washing my hands every three minutes, and thinking if I didn't do something a certain way, it would somehow make me sick.

It sounds crazy I know. But it was probably one of the darkest times in my life. I disowned my friends because I was afraid to leave the house, my grades declined big time, I started to lose my hair, and I dropped 30 pounds in almost two months. Well my mom saw my decline; she called the doctor and I went in. I remember sitting there as the doctor poked at me and told me it was all in my head. When I told him it wasn't, he started tossing out words like cancer and pregnancy (talk about stress.) But even with all these ideas with what was wrong, I got sent home and told to "not think about it" and to eat to gain weight. Every week after that I had to go to the doctor to get checked out, and I gained very little weight.

During this time it was in the beginning of winter, and you know what that means...stomach viruses. To add to my already queasy stomach, I had to hear about other people around me being sick. Not a day in school went by where I wouldn't go down to the nurse in a panic for tums. My life had no meaning. I lost all my friends because I turned into a zombie. I ate lunch alone, and sometimes just sneak into the bathroom to cry. Nobody understood what I was going through. Even my parents offered little comfort because this was out of their control.

I was advised to seek therapy, but that was both expensive and a waste of time. Of all the five therapists I went to, none of them knew what to do with me. I would tell them that I felt nauseous 24/7 and afraid of getting sick, and they would say "well I've never heard of that one before." Eventually in school a teacher got concerned when she saw me crying and she signed me up to sit with the guidance councilor. If I thought I had hit bottom at this point, I was wrong.

The day I hit bottom was around February of 2006. I was sitting with my guidance councilor for second time that day. Earlier that morning I had witnessed a kid get sick, failed a math test, and lost my hand sanitizer (worst nightmare) as I sat there crying hysterically she asked if I ever thought about killing myself...now I'm not going to say that I never thought about it, but I never harped on it nor was it a serious thought in my mind. (I recently had a cousin commit suicide earlier that year) I said 'no' but then she asked if I ever thought about how the world would be if I wasn't born. Well in true It's a Wonderful Life fashion I responded..."Yeah I guess" I wasn't really aware of the consequence of my answer would be at that point.

Within 20 minutes I was sitting in the principle's office surrounded by faculty. My mom was soon rushed in, tears pouring down her face. I didn't know what was going on. I was informed after a meeting with the faculty and my mother, that I was a 'danger to myself and other students' and that I was going to be sent away to a mental health center till they deemed me 'not suicidal.' Without being able to say goodbye to my friends or some family I spent a week in this dingy little place surrounded by people my age who had been raped, beaten, and some who had done those things to others.

For a week I was not allowed to talk to people outside the center, I was forced to eat food, and sleep alone in a dark strange room. I was miserable. But then came an angel. A young doctor came to see me one day along with a the therapist I had been seeing. He said that he thought I may actually have an internal problem that was causing me discomfort. So off I went to the hospital where my stomach was X-rayed. Inside they found to their surprise, four...count  'em FOUR stomach ulcers. My stomach was in ruin and my esophagus was damaged. Well thank God for that man. I was discharged with a heavy duty antacid, and allowed to go back to school.

I got physically better in no time, but mentally I was still damaged. I was still afraid to eat and I was still alone. My saving grace that year was joining the spring musical where I made dozens of friends! (I credit them for saving my life everyday) I got better, the fear was gone...so I thought.


Although I am nothing what I used to be in regards to this phobia, I am not without fear. I have been able to get a better grasp of it in recent years, but in to way is it under control. Even 5 years later my heart skips a beat if I hear about someone being sick and lose my appetite, or stay up till the wee hours of the morning (like right now lol.) But that is my story, not my best I'm afraid but just a chapter in my life!